Friday, January 8, 2010
Cead Mile Failte, A Hundred Thousand Welcomes
If they knew about this, pampered Ulster pooches would choke on their Irish stew or Ulster frys. In Asia, however, the dogs aren't so fussy. For them, another dog's steaming offering is an appetizing free lunch. Only one thing tempts them more, human excrement. It's so much tastier than dog dirt that they go crazy for it. Lacking a toilet in her own home, a local pupil at my friend's school used to lay her logs in the forest. She also had a pet dog. Each day, as she set off for the trees, her canine companion would be hard on her heels. Her turds would barely touch the ground before he gobbled them up. Toilet paper was quite unnecessary. For dessert, he would clean her up with his rasping tongue. The high and mighty of Ulster often take their usual winter breaks from the cold Irish winter in beautiful exotic places like Phuket, otherwise known as the Pearl of the Andaman. Indeed more than a few secret affairs of the rich and famous have been uncovered there. The following is an incident that happened prior to X-Mas the real names have been altered for legal reasons and any resemblance is coincidental. A Phuket bargirl swallowed an Ulsterman’s diamond ring after he refused to pay her for services she rendered to him and his his high profile female partner after an all-night menage-a-trois in Cherngtalay. The local police received a complaint from a bargirl who fingered an Ulsterman identified as Mr William and his partner a well known Ulster celebrity. The 28-year-old bargirl claimed she was assaulted and accused of being a jewelry-gulping culprit. Mr William under interrogation, told the police that on the evening of December 8 he went to a non alcoholic pub, where he met Panjit and a friend named Pla. Mr William invited Panjit to join him for a three-way at his hotel in Phuket, with his partner who for legal reasons we shall call Irish, who it is believed was suffering emotionally in a loveless marriage. All was going well. Panjit reported that the Ulsterman ejaculated twice with each of them during the first session and repeated the performance five hours later under duress from his female partner. But when it came time to cough up, the Ulsterman’s performance was less impressive. He refused to pay the 2,000 baht he had promised to Panjit she told the police. When the Ulsterman went to the bathroom, Panjit searched his drawers and found a diamond ring, which she hid in her bra. The Ulsterman immediately discovered the theft and demanded the ring back, searching her intimately for the missing jewel. Panjit said that Mr William slapped her, which so enraged her that she swallowed the encrusted annulus while he wasn’t looking. After the police were called, she began having stomach spasms, diamonds being somewhat harder to digest than somtam. This led the police to suspect that she had swallowed the ring. An X-ray at Phuket International Hospital confirmed it. Doctors there gave Panjit laxatives in an attempt to purge the ring, which Mr William said was a family heirloom passed down though generations frm Holland and possibly even a few digestive tracts. Panjit was then apparently released and, for reasons unknown, returned to Mr William’s hotel. The Ulsterman and his partner stood by with plastic bags at the ready to collect the excrement from over 20 bouts of explosive diarrhea that she experienced but Phuker the dog got their first, so still no ring. She became so ill she had to be readmitted to hospital this time to Wachira Phuket Hospital where she finally gave birth to a beautiful diamond ring which Irish put on her marriage finger immediately, after she recovered it from a dog called Phuker who has one milky eye, countless skin lesions with a scrotum big enough to carry his golf clubs as he faithfully follows Panjit everywhere. Hardly petting zoo material but he gives a whole new meaning to "rimming" as William and Irish will vouch for.